I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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