I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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