I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
