found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
