Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize