We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
