i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
