Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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