you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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