The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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