You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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