Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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