i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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