Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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