I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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