If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You smell like stripper and shame
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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