I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
