Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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