So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
