are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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