After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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