please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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