Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
