My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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