She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
