i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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