That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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