It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
