I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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