a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize