just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize