Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just gift wrapped bread.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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