Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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