i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
