If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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