So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
