I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize