none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Cover your peen. We're going out.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
