yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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