matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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