Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
