She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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