i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Who did Billy Mays play for?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
