guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
