hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
