he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
