So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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