Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
a search helicopter?!
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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