the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I would ride that face into the sunset
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
