Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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