when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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