ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
