The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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