RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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