two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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