your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
