just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
